Angels are not cute. Forget all the images of baby-fat cherubs floating in heavenly bliss...you sheltered dummy. Angels are angry, ass-kicking, flaming-sword-wielding, vengeance-mongers who impregnate human women with mutant spawn in their spare time. Read Genesis.


Archangels: This is the elite corps of God's murdering army, often charged with Very Important Tasks on His direct orders, like obliterating cities to prevent buggery. Archangels include Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael and Metatron. Don't ask how these names were determined. It's just the way things are.
Seraphim: The Catholic Encyclopedia says seraphim "stand before God as ministering servants in the heavenly court," whatever that means. They have six wings, an uncertain number of faces. The archangels are members of the seraphim caste.
Cherubim: The designation cherubim is where the word "cherub" comes from, but these bloodthirsty mutant freaks are anything but adorable. They have four faces, four hands, four wings and cloven hooves for feet. And don't forget the flaming swords!
Virtues: Supposedly in charge of nature and lending the occasional hand to beleaguered humans.
Powers: These angels are in charge of killing demons, much like Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Principalities: In charge of watching over the welfare of nations. Clearly, the Principality in charge of Iraq has a lot of 'splaining to do.
Guardian Angels: The concept of the guardian angel is really one of the most baffling ideas in the history of religion. With all the documentation about the missions of angels, where the hell did anyone get the idea that these guys might be on our side at all, let alone that there might be one personally assigned to taking care of you as you go through life? Who knows where the concept of guardian angel came from or how the image of angels has changed into baby-cute cherubs. I'd rather see angels portrayed in their full four-headed glory.